Des Moines, Iowa!

Iowa offers so much to the curious traveler: Sweet corn, a brand new shopping mall, and tornado warnings as weather races across the country faster than you can say "Corn and a mall?"

I had a great week in Des Moines, and thanks to everyone who made it great. Here's Iowa in a nutshell: I was a guest on KGGO radio two mornings in a row, and told them that I had never had Iowa sweet corn on the cob. Heather from the station came out to the club on Saturday night to bring me six ears of corn, cooked to perfection, just to make sure I tasted the best corn on earth. Iowa corn. I ate three ears of delicious corn, and put the rest in my back pocket to hand out during my show, not realizing how uncomfortable it is to hold three hot ears of corn in your back pocket while doing a show. I brought out the corn later in the show expecting a surprised laugh, and only got smiles of recognition. Of course! Who doesn't go around with a few hot ears of corn in their back pocket? It's Iowa!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Discount!

"Mom? Mom, are you awake? This is Chico, Mom. He's going to be caring for you! Oh, those guys? Those are Chico's homeboys. They heard you had digital cable! Mom, do you still have that coupon? You know, that coupon for the two-for-one sponge bath? Where's the coupon, Mom? And where's the remote? The homeboys want to watch "Ultimate Fighting!" Mom? Mom?!"

Ocean City, New Jersey

We went into this place for some food, but there was too much trash on the floor, so we left.

Okay, I tried that lame joke with my family on the boardwalk. Score: one laugh, two groans, and the rest ignored me and kept walking toward the rides.

Comedy. Some fly, some die.

Valley Forge, Pennsylvania

Back from a week in my hometown, the cradle of liberty and home of cheesesteaks, the Phillies, and Jack Klugman. Is that a trifecta of winners or what? It was a fabulous week, with a tough Phillies loss to the Mets at the stadium that overlooks New Jersey, a family meal in the middle of the Reading Terminal market downtown, and many drives through the golden fields of Valley Forge National Park, where deer and foxes roam amidst the hiking scouts, and statues of George Washington outnumber mountain bikers with those water bottle backpacks that make it look like they have a straw sticking out of their neck.

I grew up in a beautiful part of the country, and it's always nice to be reminded of it, as corn grows "knee high by the fourth of july" out on Amish farms worked by teams of horses, and you're still a couple of hours away from Ocean City, New Jersey, where we ate waffles and ice cream in a warm summer rain. 

Happy summer to you, the Amish, and Jack Klugman.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Fort Lauderdale!

Just back from the Seminole Hard Rock Casino Improv, where the shows were great, and I spent my free time trying to figure out exactly which culture the casino hotel was embracing, the casino culture with old people chain smoking in front of slot machines, the Seminole culture with a native American museum featuring alligator wrestling, or the Hard Rock culture with a pair of drumsticks used by Starland Vocal Band for the song "Afternoon Delight" hanging on the wall. A strange merchandising melting pot, with blackjack tables, a Jamaican steel drum band, and lots and lots of people tooling around in electric scooters. My hotel room was decorated with a giant black and white photo of Elton John dressed as a sequined Statue of Liberty. I wish that was a joke. I ate a chicken caesar salad under a framed pair of wristbands worn by some guy in Whitesnake. I wish that was a joke. I met a young lady on leave from Iraq who told me that the press is ignoring the unbelievable work that the men and women of the Armed Forces of the United States are doing for the people there, and how proud she is of that work, and how she's going back in a week or so to finish her tour. She came to the show, I pointed her out in the audience, and she got a long, cheering standing ovation from the crowd at the Improv. That's no joke.

Happy fourth of July.

The Tribe of Cleveland

Just back from Cleveland, where pitcher C.C. Sabbathia beat future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux right before my eyes, as the Indians beat the Padres 7-3 on Father's Day. They don't call the stadium in Cleveland "The Jake" anymore, since corporations can now buy the names to things and make everyone say the corporation's name over and over. And as everybody knows, if you see a company's name over and over, you'll probably get hypnotized and buy their stuff. Sometimes, before I go to the mall, I just watch some NASCAR for shopping ideas. "mustbuyenergydrinks, mustbuyenergydrinks,

mustbuyshaniatwainalbums, mustbuychewingtobacco...."

I'm glad L.A. is sticking with "Dodger Stadium," since "Welcome to Danny Bonaduce field at Indiana Jones and the Quartz Armadillo coming soon to a theatre near you stadium!" would be a real pain for the public address announcer.

Thanks to everybody in Cleveland, and congratulations on deciding on the new official city flower - the orange cones that are strewn all over downtown! And thanks to Robin Swoboda, the greatest morning show hostess in the English speaking world. She interviewed me on her morning T.V. show, and we had a lot of fun. The segment right after mine featured "Mr. Hot Dog," who demonstrated all the various ways of preparing a gourmet hot dog. His ideas included:

1) mustard (apparently there are different varieties)

2) relish (apparently there are different varieties)

3) sauerkraut (apparently there is one variety)

And that was it. I jumped on camera as "Sargeant Sausage," and spiced up the segment with improvised hot dog humor. I await my Emmy nomination.

Mom liked him best

I'm finishing up the filming of "The Informant," and it's been terrific acting with Matt Damon - a great, funny guy and a tremendous actor - and an amazing cast, with the highlight for me being spending a day with Tom Smothers. We talked show biz, and guitars, and all sorts of things as I tried to keep from giggling like a fourth grader. "I'm talking with Tom Smothers!! Whoo!!" Tom was such a gracious person, and an incurable showman. At the end of lunch, there were a hundred or so background artists finishing their meal, and all Tom saw was a willing audience. He put on a show, telling jokes and doing YoYo tricks for everybody, to a standing ovation. It was one of those days that made everybody so happy to be in show biz. There is certainly no business like show business, like no business I know.

I must add, I don't think that EVERYTHING about is appealing. But yesterday was very good.

tuppence a bag

The kids found a hummingbird, trying to fly with damaged wings and stuck in a bush, after what looked like a fight to the finish with one of the cats that hang around outside. Dizzy and totally freaked out, the tiny guy looked like he might not make it, but he became a Memorial Day weekend project. We had some hummingbird food and fed it to him from a spoon, and he ate like a linebacker, regaining his wits and his strength, sitting on a tree branch for quite a while before he finally took off, ready for another go at life. Ha. In your face, cat.
May we all spend this weekend regaining strength, sipping sugar water, sitting on a branch for a while, and getting ready to go out there and fight the next cat.