Notes on America

Good news, my friends! My daughter is taking AP U.S. history in an academically challenging high school, where the teacher allows ONE index card to be used for notes, and prohibits the use of a magnifying glass. This is the card that our in-house genius wrote for herself. It's even color coded with tiny highlights. She will certainly get an "A," but the really good news is...I don't have to take a history final and make notes like that! Isn't that great?! Never again in my life! For example - if a history teacher asked me what events precluded Washington's attack at Trenton, I could just say "Would you like a Popsicle?" Yeah! That's good news.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Edmonton!

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada is north of an imaginary line, above which human beings should not live. I worked there the week before Christmas, at the largest mall in the world, trying to find an empty table at the world's busiest food court, and telling jokes to Christmas parties full of festive nice people celebrating Christmastime, and drunken morons celebrating the ice road truckers that drove the booze up that far. The photo above isn't noteworthy except for the guys ahead of me. Folks, it was 37 below zero. Those guys were not dressed for the weather. A hoodie and a T-shirt? Wow. After taking this photo I ran into the "Fantasy Grill" and fantasized that I was eating in a city that was warm. 

Relient K!

What a blast I had on The Tonight Show with the band Relient K the other night - replaying this Christmas night, so check it out! - They emailed me and invited me to play with them on Jay's show, and it was one of the highlights of my life as a performer. We got to the studio early to rehearse, and it was great to have lunch with a bunch of great guys who are tremendous musicians, and I was thrilled just to be able to keep up with them on the guitar. I'm getting emails from all over asking if that was me playing with Relient K from confused people who don't really get it. Well, I get it, Relient K gets it, and a very Merry Christmas to everyone!

Brotherly Love

Just back from Philadelphia, home of the world champion Phillies, the American flag, and lots of people who came to my shows last weekend at the Helium Club. It's always fun to perform in Philadelphia, and before the shows I always take a walk downtown and reminisce through the mist of memory and subway grates. That building is the Union League, on Broad Street, where my Dad used to take my brothers and I to Father-Son dinners a long, long time ago. I met Daniel Moynihan there when he was the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, before becoming the Democratic senator from New York who championed Democratic ideas like the partial privatization of Social Security, and the illegalization of partial birth abortion. Huh? Yeah, that's him. They also had a dinner there with "Big Daddy" Don Garlits, the drag racer, who gave us drag racing Hot Wheels cars. "Big Daddy" made a bigger splash than ambassador Moynihan, but still, it was a great evening with Dad, wearing a suit and tie and pretending I was going to be going to the University of Pennsylvania to study something where you eventually wear a suit and tie all the time.

That plan didn't work out. 

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Thanks.

The objects above are candied yams. The goo between them is made of brown sugar and butter. This is one of the great contributions made by the early settlers to this country - the knowledge that butter and brown sugar make things better, no matter what we're talking about. Potatoes? Yes. Makes them better. Pancakes? Yes. Makes them better. Car trouble? Try a mouthful of these candied yams and you'll forget you have a car. I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful, and your insulin levels are returning to normal.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Omaha, Nebraska!

I had a great time in Omaha, performing shows to people as they peeled yams and stewed cranberries to get ready for Thanksgiving, occasionally looking up to smile approvingly and chuckle near the pile of corn husks. I did lots of interviews on Omaha radio stations, but had the best time on the "Todd and Tyler" show, telling stories and having fun. I told a story about Tony Danza punching a guy at the Comedy Store in Hollywood a long time ago, and they got Tony Danza on the phone to confirm it. Apparently, Tony was carousing a bit back then, and the faces and places of punched guys have blended into a collage of wonderful memories for him. I was able to confirm it for him, because I was there. "Who's the Boss?" You, Tony. You're the boss. Anybody who goes from punching guys in nightclubs to hosting a daytime talk show where you tap dance and play the trumpet really badly deserves a lot of respect. Way to go!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom 

Columbus, Ohio!

Columbus is a great town, and some people even wear clothing that isn't red with an Ohio State logo on it. Not many, though. The shows were terrific, all sellouts, so thanks to everybody who came out, and special thanks to everybody who kept yelling "O-H!" at me. I didn't know what it meant, maybe Ohio hecklers like to spell things out or something. Then some waitresses told me that when people yell "O-H!" I'm supposed to yell back "I-O!" Out there it takes two people to spell Ohio. And then you do it over and over until somebody gives you beer or something. They should start that thing in Pennsylvania. The next time I'm back there, I'm going to keep yelling "P-E!" just to see if anybody answers "N-N-S-Y-L-V-A-N-I-A!! Whoo!"

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Go Phillies!

I flew out of Philadelphia International airport today, only a few hours before the Phillies won the World Series and the place went berserk. I lived in Philadelphia in 1980 when the Phillies last won the Series, and late that night so long ago, a group of friends walked downtown to witness the Championship frenzy, including a bunch of happy anarchists who overturned the big truck delivering newspapers, creating an improvised ticker-tape parade of newsprint flying through the brisk October air. In honor of that night, and in preparation for this one, before I flew out today I went out with my brother to turn over some police cars and throw beer bottles into groups of unsuspecting pedestrians. Whoo!! Go Phillies! Mike Schmidt! Larry Bowa! Steve Carlton! Ryan Howard! Brad Lidge! Johnny Callison! Cookie Rojas! Okay, I don't think those last two guys won a series, but they were Phillies, so go them!!!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom